Now I don't know how everyone else dabbles abroad, but for me it's just not travelling unless something goes ridiculously wrong. On my way back from Uganda; hungover, sleep deprived and in a freshly tailored African pimpsuit for some reason; a quick powernap in front of the tv screen in Dubai led to me being woken up some hours later to a loudspeaker announcing that it was the final call for a James Rowlinson to board at gate 213. Luckily, I was sleeping at gate 15 so it was only a 10 minute sprint through the airport to board a flight full of business folk whilest sweating bullets, stinking of shame and dressed like this.
Just not quite as enthusiastic. There also wasn't a pirate.
So in a similar fashion, my Canadian adventure did not begin with the leisurely two hour stroll from international to domestic terminal that I had anticipated, but rather being detained for just too many hours by the good folk at Canadian Immigration beause my eyes were too close together. Well, that might not have been the reason. Actually it might have been more to do with my elaborately nutty scheme of border hopping to obtain a work visa which they didnt seem too fond of. Also I also had a kayak with me. And it was probably filled with cocaine and guns. Anyway, I repeatedly heard the phrases "take a seat", "I'm going to get my supervisor" and "final call for Air Canada to Ottawa" until finally the third phrase was not mentioned anymore. Eventually I was released with a "don't you be naughty now, eh" and I was kindly offered a seat on a flight that leaves some 8 hours later. Hooray, that leaves me with another few hours to kill in this riveting airport instead of towing onto the Buseater approximately now. Thanks border security. You guys rock.
With love, from James.
Hmmm I still have time to kill.
Ok, while I might not be in any position to give advice on how to get yourself to your flights on time, or how to charm your way through Customs, I definitely rate myself as a kayak smuggler. Having sneaked several boats onto Air Canada, who conveniantly have a strict no kayak policy despite Canada being one of the best kayaking destinations in the world, I feel like I've got a few sneaky tips to share on this matter.
First up, flying with a kayak sucks. I cannot stress this enough. They're big, awkward and irritating. You feel like you just walked off the set of this awesome beer ad except without the delicious beverage. Y'know those little creepy fish that they use to eat dead skin off the bottom of people's feet? Flying with a kayak is about as much fun as being reincarnated as one of those poor bastards.
Welcome to Vancouver Airport!
But all of that is unavoidable. Try as you may, you'll always accidently run over a couple toddlers with your boat precariously balanced on a trolley obscuring your view. What you can avoid however, is the airline either charging you a fortune to get your boat onboard, or just telling you a straight up "no you cannot take your kayak with you on your kayaking holiday." Here's some thoughts I've gathered over the years to help you smuggle your boat onto the plane regardless of what their official policy is. Obviously some common sense and tweaking comes into play on a situation by situation basis, but essentially this is my kayak smuggling 101.
Phase One - The Preparation
Do your homework.
Easy solution - if you can fly with a company that will take a boat for free go with them. Emirates rock. But its not especially practical going from Australia to Canada via Dubai, so this isnt always possible. When this is the case, you've got to know the company's baggage policy better then the check in chick. Work out what loophole you're going to exploit long in advance, and preferably try to have a back up one. Theres no point in saying its a surfboard if the airline doesnt take surfboards either. You'll also want a copy of the loophole you intend on using printed out and highlighted so you can point to it straight away and go "yep, put it on that plane" if they so much as think of questioning your almighty knowledge of the baggage handling world.
Disguise that bad boy
I don't have a boat bag because I'm worried about it getting damaged in flight. I've got a surf board bag that says surfing stuff all over it that is large enough to fit a kayak inside it. Want to protect your paddles? Don't get an obvious paddle shaped bag, get something ambiguous and say its full of skis. Even though you'd think Forrest Gump could tell the difference between a surfboard and a kayak, remember that to 99% of the population kayaks are 15 feet long, 40 kilos and good for nothing but fishing.
Phase Two - The Smuggling
Arrive Early and Look Presentable
I dont mean show up 5 hours before your flight and wear a 600 dollar suit. But it definitely pays to show up before the majority of passengers so they can't give you the line of "sorry its a very full flight", and as regretable as it is, very few people are going to go out of their way to help the dreadlocked hippy who smells like Bob Marley. Also, the earlier you are the less grumpy passengers the airline workes have had to pretend to be nice to. Which brings me to...
Choose Your Check in Chick Wisely
I don't mean to throw around the words "ditzy", "blonde", "inexperienced" or "naive" around. But when choosing a check in chick if they look like they may fit any of those criteria zero in on them like a uni student on a free lunch. You want to be served by someone who is most likely to be the least beaurocratic out of the lot of them, and if that means stereotyping people, then by god, you should stereotype.
Not a good choice.
Something worth remembering is that these guys are paid to act nice to people who are in general; sleep deprived, grumpy dicks. Or maybe that's just me. Regardless, anyone who's worked in retail will tell you that a friendly customer will make you want to bend over backwards to help them. So be chatty. Ask how their day was. Joke. If you're really game throw some cheeky flirts in there. All's fair in love, war and making damned sure you can get your boat on that freaking plane.
Never use the K-word
As mentioned before, everyone assumes that kayaks and canoes are enourmous clunky things that will take up half the cargo bay and are just specificly not allowed in their policy. Under no circumstances say anything that could lead them down this chain of thought. Paddle, river, surf ski are all potential danger zones. If they explicitly say "its not a kayak is it?", deny everything! Sure they may express confusion as to why you're bringing a surfboard and skis into a landlocked, flat and snowless section of their country as someone in vancouver did today. Just shrug it off with a "you never know when it might come in handy!" type comment and all will be well.
You'll probably have to compromise with an excess baggage fee
Sure, extra fees suck. But in the end if the only way you can get your boat on the plane is with a fifty dollar surfboard handling charge then thats not all that bad when compared to the alternatives.
And that's about all the entertainment I can get out of writing this. Dammit I've still got an hour and a half left to kill. Oh well, I can only hope the next post can offer, say real pictures or videos that I didn't just steal from google. In the meantime, for the 3 people who read up to this point, here's my video from uganda again.
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